Who You Are
by curlybean
Summary: After the words they shared at the end of the No Good Deed episode, Peter has an epiphany of sorts on what Neal actually means to him.


Who You Are

* * *

"_I know why you did what you did."_

"_Yeah. To help my friend."_

"_And because you're a criminal. And you can't help yourself. Shame on me for expecting anything else… Things are going to change- for the both of us."_

"_Yeah…. It's time they did."_

**No Good Deed- Season 5, Episode 9**

* * *

Peter watched as Neal walked out of his office. He knew that his words were harsh and he wasn't even truly sure that he believed the truth of them, but he had said them. There was no taking them back, no matter how much he might want to.

As he pondered what had just happened, his mind kept wandering to the look of betrayal and hurt in Neal's eyes. He hated the fact that he was the one responsible for putting that look in those spectacular blue eyes. He hated the fact that they were at the point where they were, leading him to say those words. Neal had made mistakes, as usual, but if Peter were being honest with himself, Neal had had a good reason for doing what he did. He really was only trying to help a friend, and to be honest, Peter wasn't convinced that he wouldn't have done the same thing in Neal's place.

This line of thinking led him to rethink the decisions he'd made over the last few years in regards to Neal. Maybe he had given the kid too much freedom in the past to bend the law while working on a case. Maybe he hadn't set a good enough example for Neal, making him think that it was okay to blur the lines a little here and there. Or blur the lines a lot, in some cases. Maybe he hadn't done his best to make Neal realize that the end doesn't always justify the means.

Neal was one of the smartest men he had ever known, and Peter was sure that if he had only had the right guidance in his younger years, they wouldn't be in the situation they were now in. If Neal had been taught to use his considerable intellect in more honest pursuits, there was no telling what the man could have accomplished. As it were, his accomplishments to date were astonishing, even though most of them were illegal.

The poor kid hadn't had much of a chance from the beginning, really. What Peter now knew about Neal's father and what little information he had gleaned about his mother, left little doubt in his mind that the odds had always been stacked against the remarkable young man. Neal's father was a selfish, irresponsible man who had jeopardized his family's safety with his greed. His mother had fallen apart in a crucial time of Neal's development, leaving Neal to plow through the difficulties of childhood all by himself.

Peter thanked God that Ellen had at least been there for the young man. It had been obvious that she cared deeply for Neal, but the physical absence of his father and the mental absence of his mother had definitely taken its toll on the man. Combining those absences with the fact that Neal had felt like his whole childhood had been a lie, after he found out the truth about his dad, culminated into the events that led him to a life of crime.

Sitting at his desk, he watched out the window as Neal sat at his desk in the bullpen below. Even from far away, he could tell that the young man was barely holding it together. Guilt shot through him again and he wanted nothing more than to rewind the clock back to the moment he had spoken those words. Actually, he wished that he could rewind the clock back to the beginning of this whole mess with James Bennett, thinking that he should have done more to protect Neal and himself from the man's machinations.

Hell, if Peter was being honest, he wished that he could rewind the clock back to when Neal had entered the Witness Protection program. He would have gladly whisked the boy away and raised him in a stable, loving environment with clear expectations and boundaries. He imagined that under his and Elizabeth's care the boy would have flourished. He would have been the smartest kid in his class, most likely valedictorian even. He could have enrolled in Art classes and his natural talent would have been cultivated and nurtured. Progress reports and Parent/Teacher conferences would have been filled with accolades and awards, leaving Peter and Elizabeth speechless and proud.

Of course, Peter figured that things wouldn't always have been perfect; after all he _was_ talking about Neal. He was sure the kid would have gotten into his fair share of trouble, just like Peter had when he was younger. He imagined that the boy would have experienced his fair share of guff from his friends because of his good looks, charm and greater intellect. From this jealousy, dissension and discontent would occur, leading to fights and disagreements. Peter figured he would have had his fair share of trips to the principal's office, too. Neal was a magnet for trouble, after all.

Vacations, holidays, family game nights, and baseball games were all things that Peter thought he would share with his son, if he ever had one. He knew that there would also be arguments, disappointments, and discord, as well. He could imagine that Neal would have probably spent a lot of his youth standing in corners or being grounded to his room as punishment for his shenanigans. But, regardless, the boy would have been loved and well taken care of by his family. He would have known the comfort and stability of having a mother and a father that were there for him, regardless of the situation. He would have been loved and cherished, taken care of and provided for, as every child should be.

As Peter thought through all of this, he had a sudden epiphany. Throughout everything he and Neal had been through together in the last few years, he had grown to think of Neal as his son. He had felt the familiar rush of pride, joy, desperation, disappointment and fear that every father had ever felt for their child. He had worried excessively for Neal's safety and well-being. He had watched as Neal had both succeeded and failed in his life, always there to commend him or admonish him. He was the one that was there for Neal when both Kate and Ellen had died, his heart breaking as he watched Neal's heart shatter. He was the one that was there to help Neal put his heart back together, like any other father would.

Peter had to admit that when James Bennett had first arrived, he couldn't help but feel a little jealous at the attention Neal was showing him. He had tried to be excited for the young man, but for some reason James Bennett had never quite lived up to the idea of what he felt Neal needed in a father. Neal deserved so much more, in his opinion. He wondered if anyone would have lived up to his expectations.

Now, with James out of the picture, Peter felt a great responsibility to Neal. More than ever, he wanted to take care of Neal, to make sure that he stayed on the straight and narrow, especially with this latest fiasco. Peter suddenly realized that he would be devastated if the relationship he had with Neal was fractured in any way. He would gladly serve time in prison, for a crime he didn't commit, if it assured the wellbeing of that relationship. Of all the people in his life, Elizabeth and Neal were the two most important and he would do anything to protect them. Suddenly, he truly understood why Neal did what he did. Suddenly, he realized that to Neal, Peter was worth breaking the law and potentially getting caught for. He realized that Neal had put Peter's needs above his own, even if he did it in a way that Peter would have never approved of. He realized that what Neal had done was done out of love for him and for Elizabeth. Peter suddenly felt like the earth had shifted.

Looking down at Neal, he suddenly realized that he had to make things right between them, no matter the cost. Immediately, he texted Neal, asking him to come back up to his office. He watched as the man checked his phone and read the message, before shifting his gaze up to where Peter was sitting. He watched as Neal carefully stood up and walked up the stairs, looking like a man that was walking to his own execution. He couldn't help but smile at the sight of an unusually nervous Neal Caffrey with slumped shoulders and no pep in his step, standing outside his office door, trying to get up the courage to enter the room.

Eventually, the door opened to reveal a pale faced Neal, still with the look of betrayal and hurt evident in his eyes. The young man didn't say anything as he walked just barely inside the room, holding the door open with one hand. He looked like he would rather be anywhere else in the world than in that room with Peter. Peter felt another surge of guilt shoot through him.

"Come in and close the door, Neal," Peter said.

Neal stepped all the way into the room and closed the door behind him before turning back to Peter. Peter caught a glimpse of uncertainty before the conman mask slipped back over Neal's face. It wasn't too long ago that Neal's mask hardly ever slipped, but up until recently, Neal had been letting his guard down a little. Peter wondered if they would ever get to that point again in their relationship. He was suddenly overwhelmed at how far off track their relationship had slipped. If he wasn't careful, if he didn't handle this just right, things would never be the same again. They were at a crossroads and it was up to Peter to take the first step in the right direction.

Turning to Neal and looking him right in the eye, he smiled gently.

"Have a seat, son. We need to talk."

* * *

Author's note: My heart broke when Peter said those words to Neal in that episode. I truly wanted to slap the man for saying something that I thought was unbelievably cruel. At the same time, I understood how his frustrations drove him to say such a thing. After all, we always say the cruelest things to those we care about the most, right? Especially in anger and frustration.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this little tidbit of internal dialogue from Peter. I always find it fascinating to delve into the psyche of these characters and even more interesting to see what other people think about it. We all have our own take on things, and I may be completely off on my interpretations, lol.

Next up….another chapter of Let Your Heart Hold Fast and maybe another attempt to delve into the psyche of another beloved character. Thanks so much for reading. I'd love to hear what you all think.


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